OMG

I just wrote a note to Erin Brockovich asking her to email me back. I have a biography report I have to do for a class and I chose her as the subject. It feels weird trying to contact someone whose pretty famous. In a completely unrealted story, I think I saw Jason Bateman at the gas station the other day. If it wasn't him it was someone who looks just like him.
Anyways, . . . back to reality. I'm tired and near a coma state. I need Starbucks. Considering the fact that's it's been abuot 3 monthes since I last had Starbucks(or coffee of any kind for that matter) I think I deserve a moca frappecino. In other news . . . ummm . . . I read more of the Bible. A rabbie actually came to our class today to talk about Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, and Reconstructive Judaism. He goes to a Reform Synagogue. I'm actually going to a synogague tommorrow night as part of the class requirement. I think it will be ackward considering the fact that I know no Hebrew and have barely read the Bible. I think I'll feel out of place. But then again the same thing happened when we went to Catholic Mass for college orientation. I just followed along with what everyone else was doing. I like regular church, or at least the church I'm use to, where you sit and listen to people talk about God and the Bible. Even in high school I went to FCA -Fellowshiop of Christian Athletes- with my friends even though I wasn't an athlete and had never read the Bible. I don't think I learned much from that experience anyway. They mostly said Don't do drugs and Don't have sex. I was like, "Yah that's new". I've been hearing that all my life and the one time I think I'm giong to learn about God, the Bible, or anything religious, I hear these things come up. At some point you have to look around the room and realize, "These kids wouldn't be here if they were doing drugs or having sex. They'd feel out of place, plus there's the fact that drugies and promiscues teens don't tend to care about religion. in other words, you're preaching to the choire. I hope that's how you spell that. On another note, I think kids shouldn't be fed religion when they're young. The theory is that when they hear when they're young they will follow along throughout there life as they grow older. In reality, they stray away from it. Yuo should wait until the kid is in their teens or a little before then so that they can appreciate and understand the purpose of religion and it's greater meaning. I feel sort of dumb living in a Christian nation and yet knowing practically nothing about any religion. I know the basics, but that's about it. At least I'm learning something now. We've been learing about Judaism thuogh and from what I've seen it doesn't seem so bad to be a Jew. What I mean by that is, I could - at this point- become a Jew just as easily as I could become a Christian. I don't think I'll become a Jew because I know it will upset certain members of my family, but that doesn't mean I will turn away from the idea completely. Whatev. Religion is like politics. You choose a party and follow that party. In the end it doesn't mean much which party you align yourself with. It only matters what you believe and do.

~Jessica

Writing Back

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Much has happened within the last cuople weeks. For starters Sarah celebrated her 19th Birthday. Hurrah! Another thing that happened is that we now have 2 Rhilander rabbits. They're a boy and a girl and they are cute. We went to Safari West last weekend and afterword we picked up the rabbits. Some more things that happened: Aunt Carol and Grandma Jean left today for Africa. They're going on a real Safari! They'll be back in 3 weeks. Let's see, what else happened, . . . oh yah, more family tension (mostly between Dad and Kari). I thought I had escaped all the yelling and arguing. (I also thuoght I escaped all the rabbit obssession, but Kari is pretty into the rabbits now). Dad is upset because Trevor wants to move back in and Kari says it's o.k. Trev is 22. Personally I would love to have Trev move in. I haven't seen him in a while and he's always fun to hangout with. Dad is worried that Trev will never learn to live on his own though. Then Kari started saying that I should find a job. I have no problem having a job, I just don't know what job I want or how to find it. So Dad is upset with Kari and Kari is upset with dad. And both are still upset by my mom. Drama, drama, drama . . . I hate it. I just want to live a peaceful life. I'm stressed out enough with school work I don't need to have all this tension hanging over my head. Errrgggg. I think I've been taking it out on the pets. I would never hit a dog, or the cat, but I have yelled a lot more at them. They get in my way and wake me up early in the morning and so I yell at them. I use to vent my frustration in productive ways like art and listening to music. I haven't done art in about 2 monthes. I did a little drawing today on my notebook and that was it. I miss my art. I want to start painting and doing collages again. Oh art, . . . where for art though? American Idol is on. Why do they spend so much time going into the backgrounds of people who can't sing? They build up these people's characters and make them seem so cool, and then when they sing, . . . it's lame. And now they just kicked off a girl who I thought sang just fine. They said she didn't sound unique. How can anyone on the show sound unique when they're singing songs written and sung by other people first? It doesn't really matter anyway. In the end people will vote for the most popular, not the most talented. Then they'll wonder why the person they voted for isn't selling any albums and all the people who came in 2nd and 3rd place have sold thousands of their CDs. Oig.
Here's something else that's new: I've been reading the Bible. Well, actually the Hebrew Bible or Old Testement so far. It's for a Religious class I'm taking. There was a girl I knew once who said that after she read the Bible she lost her faith in God. I am begging to understand why. I had an idea of what the Bible meant and what Heaven, Hell, and Earth meant. But now, after reading it all, I wonder questions like, Why was God so cruel to a faithful people?, Are there really such things as angels?, is God around anymore and if so why has no one added to the Bible?, Will there ever be another Abraham, Moses, or Jesus?, Can God hear me? If God can hear me will I be damned for doubting him? A religious man once said that the Bible was perfect, infallible, and correct in every way. He said that anyone who doubted the Bible would go to Hell. You can't doubt the Bible because to doubt the Bible's words is to doubt God. But after reading the Bible I see there is no way that is is completely accurate. It is mostly narrative stories and myths that teach morals, lessons, and laws of that religion. I still belive there is a God, but I'm scared of my questions.
Today was Kari and Dad's anniversary. They've been married for 3 or 4 years now. They went out to dinner and just came home an hour ago. Now Kari is gone - I don't know where she went- probably to get away from dad. And dad is moping around the house. Not exactly a blissful anniversary. Dad was talking about the fact that we might have to move back to our old house. I've moved most of my life, but I don't want to move right now. i like being settled. Next year I'm probably going to move out anyway. I think I want my own place. I want to stay here with my family and dad, but I'm going to leave if things continue to get dark and ugly again. I don't need this in my life. Nobody does. I've never prayed before, but I pray God keeps Kari and dad together and makes them happy again. I've seen them so happy togther before and when I see them like this now, I wonder why. You'd think people would hang on to happyness as hard as they can. But instead they let it slip through their hands when they get consumed by . . . what is this? It's not as strong as hate. It's dipped in tension. I'd call it drama, but it's deeper than that. What's a word I can use for this thing that has distracted Kari, Dad, my mom, and now me from the happyness we would otherwise possess? For lack of a better word, I'll call it pain. Because that's what it is to me. Senseless pain.
So, in the end, things have changed. What else is new?

A New Year and A New Life

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Christmas was a little hectic. The New Year was not started off well, to say the least. Christmas at my dad's house went well. Then on Christmas morning I had to make the inevitable trip down to Oakdale with my sister Em as my co-pilot. Opening presents was fun, but that only lasted a little while. The next morning my mom had a discussion with me that I'd rather not had happened. As if our relationship was not bad enough, she had to fuel the flames by telling me how little my dad cared about Emily and her hobby (rabbit shows/rabbit breeding). She then went on to say that dad acts hostily towards her but she never acts that way towards him. It's hard for me to see my mom as a victim when i know for a fact she causes most of the arguments and problems my dad yells at her for. When mom started to ask me specifically why dad pretended to support Emily when he really didn't, I had to get up and walk away. I didn't learn much from the family guidance counseler, but i did learn not to be put in the middle. As soon as she started talking bad about my dad I wanted to turn and run out of the room. I held my compsure until I'd had enough and I turned and walked away. All she could say was, "Hey were are you going, don't you want to talk about this?" To which I responded, "No". After that fiasco I was hesitant to go shopping with my mom and Emily. However I had new gift cards and the urge to buy movies was strong, so I submitted and went. It was alright up until we desided to eat lunch. After that things went downhill. I was glad when we finally made it home. Mom had to go back to work for the next couple of days, so I got to hangout with my grandmother and my friends Katie and Chelsie. Things were going well . . . then New Years hit. I decided to got to sleep at 10pm. I enjoy my sleep and I had to get up early the next day to get ready to drive myself back to dad's house. I saw no reason to stay up all night and watch lame shows until the New Years ball dropped. When my mom found out about my plans, she got very upset. She said she had planned a big party with Dean, Em, and I. She made it clear that she was angry at me for not wanting to spend New Years with her. I took my "guilt" and went to bed. Then around 11:30 my mom, Dean, and Em started making a lot of noise so I woke up and, still laying in bed, listened to them. I was upset by what I heard them say. Mom and Em started talking about me and saying things that I really didn't want to hear. Then the new Yesrs ball dropped and they started shouting and yelling -probably purposefully trying to wake me up. I didn't care at that point. I was angry and saddened and all I wanted to do was sleep off the pain. In the morning I pretended I had stayed asleep all night. I was sad to go home because I knew I would miss Dean, Sarah, and Em. I was happy to be leaving the tension and hostility that is my relationship with my mother behind me. It's strange when I talk to mom. We both smile and act like nothing is wrong, but underneath I'm angry at her and dissapointed by her behavior. Perhaps I only say this now because of what she did a couple of days ago. January 8th was a Monday. I had to go to school, but Emily was still here because her school didn't start until Tuesday. Dad, kari, and I were driving Emily home (to mom's) that night. We left at 5:00pm, 30 minutes before mom usually left when she came to drive Em home. Mom usually ends up getting home to her house around 7:30 pm. We started on our journey, hitting some traffic along the way. Then around 6:30 we decided to stop for a bite to eat. We ended up leaving the restaraunt at 8:00pm. When we got in the car dad realized that mom had tried to call him on his cellphone. Kari listened to the message mom left on the phone. Mom was angry because apparently she thought she told da and Em that Em had to be brought home early so she could do her chores. None of us was aware of this and dad became upset that mom was angry at him for something that wasn't his fault. In fact, dad thought he was doing mom a favor by driving Emily home for her. I decided to call mom on dad's cell to calm mom down and figure out what was going on. As soon as she answered I knew we were in trouble. She assumed I was Emily and started yelling at me to come home and asked why i was taking so long to get home. I said, "I'm Jessica by the way, and we were eating dinner. We didn't know it would take that long." She responded in a kinder voice, "Sorry Jessica, i didn't know it was you. It's not your fault. But why are you guys not here? You better be home soon." I told her we were 30 minutes away. She said she was never giong to let dad drive Emily home for her again. Then we reached the house and Em went inside. I was worried for her. I knew mom was angry with ada and would end up taking her frustrations out on Em. The next day when I talked to Em she said mom had yelled at her and made her stay up past 10:00pm to do her chores. I wish I could have been there to help Em. Mom use to vent and yell at me when she got angry at dad - usually for things that weren't dad's fault at all. It seems so wrong to me now that a mom would yell at her child for something that wasn't her child's fault and was completely out of his or her control. Em didn't know she was suppose to be home early. It's not like she was driving the car either. I hate the hatred my mom spreads. Kari says that a fear she has for me is that I may one day end up like my mom - acting out against people and being manipulative and controlling. I'm glad to know in my heart that that wil NEVER happen to me. I'm nothing like my mom in that sense. I've seen the hurt that she can cause people, including me, and I swear on my life that I will never become that person. Despite all of this, I don't hate my mom. Part of me still believes that a lot of the pain she causes is unintentional. She just can't see the hate she spreads. And I have a lot of reasons to be grateful for her. She has always supported me and stood by me. She's always wanted the best for me and for me to be with her. My mom has an endless and devotional love for me. And although I love herthe same, I hate the person she can become sometimes.