A New Year and A New Life

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Christmas was a little hectic. The New Year was not started off well, to say the least. Christmas at my dad's house went well. Then on Christmas morning I had to make the inevitable trip down to Oakdale with my sister Em as my co-pilot. Opening presents was fun, but that only lasted a little while. The next morning my mom had a discussion with me that I'd rather not had happened. As if our relationship was not bad enough, she had to fuel the flames by telling me how little my dad cared about Emily and her hobby (rabbit shows/rabbit breeding). She then went on to say that dad acts hostily towards her but she never acts that way towards him. It's hard for me to see my mom as a victim when i know for a fact she causes most of the arguments and problems my dad yells at her for. When mom started to ask me specifically why dad pretended to support Emily when he really didn't, I had to get up and walk away. I didn't learn much from the family guidance counseler, but i did learn not to be put in the middle. As soon as she started talking bad about my dad I wanted to turn and run out of the room. I held my compsure until I'd had enough and I turned and walked away. All she could say was, "Hey were are you going, don't you want to talk about this?" To which I responded, "No". After that fiasco I was hesitant to go shopping with my mom and Emily. However I had new gift cards and the urge to buy movies was strong, so I submitted and went. It was alright up until we desided to eat lunch. After that things went downhill. I was glad when we finally made it home. Mom had to go back to work for the next couple of days, so I got to hangout with my grandmother and my friends Katie and Chelsie. Things were going well . . . then New Years hit. I decided to got to sleep at 10pm. I enjoy my sleep and I had to get up early the next day to get ready to drive myself back to dad's house. I saw no reason to stay up all night and watch lame shows until the New Years ball dropped. When my mom found out about my plans, she got very upset. She said she had planned a big party with Dean, Em, and I. She made it clear that she was angry at me for not wanting to spend New Years with her. I took my "guilt" and went to bed. Then around 11:30 my mom, Dean, and Em started making a lot of noise so I woke up and, still laying in bed, listened to them. I was upset by what I heard them say. Mom and Em started talking about me and saying things that I really didn't want to hear. Then the new Yesrs ball dropped and they started shouting and yelling -probably purposefully trying to wake me up. I didn't care at that point. I was angry and saddened and all I wanted to do was sleep off the pain. In the morning I pretended I had stayed asleep all night. I was sad to go home because I knew I would miss Dean, Sarah, and Em. I was happy to be leaving the tension and hostility that is my relationship with my mother behind me. It's strange when I talk to mom. We both smile and act like nothing is wrong, but underneath I'm angry at her and dissapointed by her behavior. Perhaps I only say this now because of what she did a couple of days ago. January 8th was a Monday. I had to go to school, but Emily was still here because her school didn't start until Tuesday. Dad, kari, and I were driving Emily home (to mom's) that night. We left at 5:00pm, 30 minutes before mom usually left when she came to drive Em home. Mom usually ends up getting home to her house around 7:30 pm. We started on our journey, hitting some traffic along the way. Then around 6:30 we decided to stop for a bite to eat. We ended up leaving the restaraunt at 8:00pm. When we got in the car dad realized that mom had tried to call him on his cellphone. Kari listened to the message mom left on the phone. Mom was angry because apparently she thought she told da and Em that Em had to be brought home early so she could do her chores. None of us was aware of this and dad became upset that mom was angry at him for something that wasn't his fault. In fact, dad thought he was doing mom a favor by driving Emily home for her. I decided to call mom on dad's cell to calm mom down and figure out what was going on. As soon as she answered I knew we were in trouble. She assumed I was Emily and started yelling at me to come home and asked why i was taking so long to get home. I said, "I'm Jessica by the way, and we were eating dinner. We didn't know it would take that long." She responded in a kinder voice, "Sorry Jessica, i didn't know it was you. It's not your fault. But why are you guys not here? You better be home soon." I told her we were 30 minutes away. She said she was never giong to let dad drive Emily home for her again. Then we reached the house and Em went inside. I was worried for her. I knew mom was angry with ada and would end up taking her frustrations out on Em. The next day when I talked to Em she said mom had yelled at her and made her stay up past 10:00pm to do her chores. I wish I could have been there to help Em. Mom use to vent and yell at me when she got angry at dad - usually for things that weren't dad's fault at all. It seems so wrong to me now that a mom would yell at her child for something that wasn't her child's fault and was completely out of his or her control. Em didn't know she was suppose to be home early. It's not like she was driving the car either. I hate the hatred my mom spreads. Kari says that a fear she has for me is that I may one day end up like my mom - acting out against people and being manipulative and controlling. I'm glad to know in my heart that that wil NEVER happen to me. I'm nothing like my mom in that sense. I've seen the hurt that she can cause people, including me, and I swear on my life that I will never become that person. Despite all of this, I don't hate my mom. Part of me still believes that a lot of the pain she causes is unintentional. She just can't see the hate she spreads. And I have a lot of reasons to be grateful for her. She has always supported me and stood by me. She's always wanted the best for me and for me to be with her. My mom has an endless and devotional love for me. And although I love herthe same, I hate the person she can become sometimes.