Again and Never Again

I know I made a post yesterday, but I feel like talking. I'm told my mother is going downhill. I don't know who will read this or what they will think of it, but I feel like telling someone. It's not exactly healthy to keep all this "bottled up inside" as I've been told many times before. Anyway, I was reading a "diary" of mine yesterday and I came upon something . . . weird. Maybe weird isn't the right word, but I don't know how to put what I felt when I read it. It was sort of a shock. I was flipping through, seeing my writing of yore, and I was somewhat amused by it. I had made mini paragraphs about subjects I felt were sort of important. I found things about various subjects including nature, science v. God, -mostly stuff about life. Then I came upon the sentence. It came off as almost fake. I actually questioned whether I had written it. It said, "I'm worried about my mom". I think when I wrote it I was conserned, but lying to myself. It's hard to explain. I know my mom has problems. Her health is declining (for reasons that are obvious to me and my sisters, but apparently not to her) and she has been acting . . . well, I guess you just have to know her to understand the way she's acting now, but she's acting Worse. Anyway, I read the script and thought, really? I was worried enough about her to confess my concerns to paper? I worry about mom, but I wouldn't say I was concerned per se. It's hard to explain. A child never really worries about the condition of his parent. If the parent has a cold, then maybe you show some interest or sympathy or worry, . . . but my mom doesn't have a cold. She has issues. To see me write "I'm worried about my mom" was a disturbing shock to my system. Right now if I were to write, I'd say I was worried about my sister. Emily is in the same situation I was when I was her age, but now it's worse and she's all alone in it. I try to help as much as I can, but I'm hours away and I can't reach that far. I wish I could be there to tell her I went through it too and it may seem hard and dark at times, but you can get through it. You have to have a sense of courage and independence about you during those times, which is difficult when you are scared and use to being trapped and confined. I don't know if writing this will help at all. I only worry that my mom never reads this. I pray my sister does.

~Jessica