I'm Scared

I think I may die pretty soon, so if my body goes missing maybe someone will read tis and know why . . .
So I messed up BIG TIME. It is one of those errors where as soon as it happens the "Mistake" Radar starts going off right away in your head. "Mistake!" Mistake!"Mistake!" Of course after the accident happens there's no erasing it.
The fact is this problem never should have arisen. Before I go on anymo I should probably explain what happened. . . .

It all started a couple of weeks ago. My dad was talking to Em and I. He asked Em out of the blue whether she thought our mom needed to go to rehab or get some sort of help for he alchol problem. I should probably stop writing right now. Maybe writing this will cause another mistake to happen. Oh wel . . .
Anyways, so my dad suggested mom may need assistance with her drinking. First thought that came to my mind was "NOW you want to help her with her alchohol problem? NOW! After all the years Em and I were stuc living with her and dealing with the almost nightly problem of her and her drinking! NOW. When she's now fired from her job and relaxing at home not drinking as much as she used to. NOW!!!! Where was this suggestion 4 years ago when we were stuck dealing with this crap? When we were face to face with the demon of alcoholism?

I digress . . . so after he mentioned it Em told dad her problem wasn't that bad anymore and he didn't need to worry about it.
A while later, I had been emailing Em pretty much everyday. Whenever I read her emails they always mentioned at some point tha mom was around and she was either drunk or angry. After about a week of this, I was stupid and made a fatal mistake that I should have forseen and avoided. Stupid me! Even as I was typing the notion popped into my head that "hey, this may be a bad idea . . ." But did I listen? Nooooooooo . . . .
So I went ahead and sent Em an email asking her whether or not she thought mom's alcohol problem had really subsided. I also asked if she thought mom needed to go to rehab or something.
Dumb, dumb, and more dumb, . . . but it got worse.
I then emailed Em saying that I thought that when she and Sarah move out of the house and are away from mom that t would be good if we got together then and suggested rehab. That way the intervention would not end in our imidiate deaths. We could say our peace and walk away from the situation. Leave it up to mom to decide.
Of course Em had not been responding to these emails as she normally did. I suspected something might be up, but I ignored my worrying. Then Em sent me emails asking "What?" "What are you saying?"
At that moment I really started to worry. I was afraid maybemom was there and she had read my emails. Then at 8:00 I emailed Em back and never heard from her again. She came to dad's that weekend. shortly after arriving, she told me what happened . . .
Mom had walked in when I was sending Em the emails. Em tried to delete them, but my mom made her open them up and show them to her. Mom got angry and demanded Em ask me what i meant by that. Luckily by the time I replied Em was offline. ut I knew after Em told me that that I was in trouble. Now, almost a week after the incident, I fear for my life. Mom came on Sunday to pick Em up. Luckily Chelsie was there to prevent mom from talking about unpleasant things in her presence. The subject was never brought up, though mom said she left me a message on my cell phone and I should hear it and call her sometime . . .
So guess what I did today? About 10 minutes ago I listened to said cell phone message. Now I'm scared I'm going to die. The message said in mom's angry and desisive tone, "Call meback, when you're alone and we can talk in private . . ." I could almost hear her biting down and talking through her clenched teeth. Man, if the Grim Reaper could talk he wouldn't be half as frighteneing as my mom when she's angry. My mom could scare a lion. She has thse cold, blue eyes that can see right through you and peirce your heart. I think the worst part about this whole thing, besides my imminant death, is the fact that I have to see her this weekend! On Friday I'm driving down to Oakdale and staying there 3 days!!! It was already pre-arranged and there's no escaping my fate. I just know she'll find away to get me alone five minutes so she can rip my heart to shreds . . .
As for the cell phone message, what should I do? Should I call her back? Dong so would probably lead to a death by terrifying phone call for me. Not calling her back might lead to more ackwardness and an even worse death for me. Decisions, decisions . . .
I know what I would have said to her too. I'm not ashamed of what I wrote. It's truth that my mom drinks. It's true that hen she's drunk she often loses control and hurts those around her. It's true that she always seems angry and yells at people when they've done little worng. She over reacts and she is an alcohol it. 5 minutes alone with her and anyone wld realize this. But I don't hate her. I use to hate her for it. Now I've been away from her too long. I haven't experienced that level of hate in a while. all i have is faded memories of the way she use to act. I'm willing to put the past behind me. But I worry about my younger sister Em who is still at mom's house and still has to deal with her behavior. It's not fair to Em. It wasn't fair to me. I think it's time someone spoke up and told mom face to face that she has a problem and should get some help. I guess I'll find out this weekend if that person will be me. I just hope she doesn't kill me before I say my peace. R.I.P.