Alleged Origins

Gave a speech today at Toastmasters and won 1st place. Yayz!!! Here's the speech:

Intro: When Jessica was younger she wondered how she was brought into the world. She then decided to ask her mom. Apparently her mom didn't know, but instead of saying that, her mom made up a story of a stork that flew Jessica in on a bundle of blankets. Jessica still doesn't know how she got here, but she has decided to share some origin stories of her own today.

I still don’t know how I got here. I mean I know how I got here, I drove in my car - there wasn’t much traffic though so it was fine. But how did I get here? On this planet? It’s a mystery. When I was younger I also wondered how my sister Emily got here. She seemed so weird to me, she couldn’t possibly be related. That’s when I decided/imagined that she had come from another planet. I told her aliens had dropped her off on mom’s doorstep and we had taken her in as one of our own. And that is the reason my sister likes cantaloupe and cottage cheese.

It seems like every once in a while we wonder how things came to be. Unfortunately there aren’t always easy answers because we’re too lazy to look them up on Wikipedia. That’s why I decided to invent some of my own origin stories. Today I will share how pop tarts, jellyfish, surfing, and Carrows Restaurant came into creation allegedly.

First there are pop tarts. If anyone is unfamiliar with what a pop tart is, you should find one and eat it because they are delicious. Pop tarts were possibly invented around the 1930s or 1940s because that’s around the time toasters came into creation. You see one day a man, we’ll call him Gatsby because I think that was a popular name at the time, had a difficult decision to make. What should he eat for breakfast? He was torn between eating toast and having a donut. Gatsby started pacing as the controversial decision raced through his mind. After minutes of contemplation he finally came to a conclusion. After the toast popped out of the toaster, or whatever early toast-making apparatus they had back then, Gatsby was still not satisfied. Then he noticed some glaze set aside for the donut he could have made and he thought: What if I put the glaze on my toast? Thusly he proceeded to do so. At last he looked and said, "It's like toast, but also like a pastry. Toast. . . Pastry . . . Toast . . . Pastry . . .Toaster’s Pastry!!!" Several decades later the Pop Tart Corporation took the concept of the Toaster's Pastry and perfected it by adding sprinkles. And that is how pop tarts were allegedly invented.

Now onto the jellyfish. The origin of the jellyfish started surprisingly in the middle of the woods. There was a bear living in the woods that enjoyed walking around wearing a green hat and bugging the local park ranger. His name was Yogurt. Yogurt the bear also had a little bear friend named Bobo. Yogurt and Bobo’s favorite pastime was scaring visiting picnickers to steal their food. One day Yogurt and Bobo came across a man sitting by a stream eating a P.B. and J sandwich. Bobo tried to hold Yogurt back, but lost control and Yogurt leapt at the man for his sandwich. The man fell backward and the sandwich fell into the water. Yogurt and Bobo were then arrested and put in a cage to be sent to the local circus. Meanwhile the sandwich started floating further and further down the stream and towards the sea. Eventually a fish found the sandwich, but because fish don’t like bread or peanut butter, it only ate the jelly. Then something amazing happened! The fish started to transform! And thus the jellyfish came into creation.

So how did surfing come to be (or not be)? That's a perfectly legitimate question:
One day, probably around the late 60s to early 70s because that's right about the time Hippies came into existence, there was a young man living with his mother in Hawaii. It was mid-afternoon when the young man's mother called the house. "Did you iron all of your clothes?" she asked. "Yah . . ." her son Ron replied, dusting the sand off his feet. "Good because when I get home I need to iron all of my clothes," his mom said.
Dang it, thought Ron. So then he hopped in his beet up jeep and with shaggy blond hair blowing in the breeze he headed down to the beach. When he reached the shore Ron parked the car and quickly hopped out. From the beach he started frantically looking out across the waves. Whoever invented ironing sucks! He thought. At last he saw it. The ironing board he had passionately tossed into the ocean earlier that day was floating 20 feet away.
Ron began to swim out to the board. The waves were pretty heavy and rough, but at last he reached it. With one hand grabbing hold of the board, he started paddling back towards shore when a huge wave swelled up behind him and started carrying him on top of it. Ron quickly jumped on the board and started moving back and forth swiftly along the swells. After carving up some sweet waves he finally managed to reach the shore. When he got off the board and looked back at the ocean all he could say was "Tubular".
The next day Ron Jon founded his own surf shop. And that is how surfing was probably invented.

Finally there’s Carrows Restaurant. It began humbly as a food stand at an archery range. It was initially called C-Arrows because customers would occasionally get struck and the stand wanted to remind them to stay alert. Overtime the name became mispronounced. And that is how Carrows or “C-Arrows” Restaurant came to be allegedly.

So the next time you’re surfing on a board while eating a pop tart avoiding jellyfish too lazy to look things up on Wikipedia you can imagine how everything was created and maybe even invent some origin stories of your own.