Well Crap (Part 2)

So last night, Friday night, I talked with dad and Kari. I thought bombs would go off and an air strike would come down. But instead they took me out to dinner. It was hard to see my dad's war torn face after talking about the angry texts my mom had sent him at work. But come on, what did they think would happen?

It turns out when Kari was young her parents established a rule. After she reached a certain age, if she did not have a job she could not go out anywhere. She said it was tough, but she just had to deal with it. And thusly the rule was passed on to me.

I can see that rule being justified under certain circumstances. Like if the person wasn't actively looking for a job, which I am. Or the person wanted to go out clubbing or partying with fiends, which I'm not -just trying to see my sister who flew all the way over from Arkansas on her own dime. Or if the person was wasting a lot of money on whatever trip they were taking; it costs me $20 to go to my mom's house and I don't have to pay for anything while I'm there. I would probably spend more going to Target to buy something. Or if the person were of a certain age or maturity where such a rule would need to be applied so the person could keep their priorities in focus. I've been applying to jobs like crazy and had a job interview that went well last Thursday. Monday I'm calling up AppleOne temp agency to schedule an appointment to see what jobs might be available. Also I'm 22, I don't drink or smoke, and I don;t go partying or stay up late. I'm boring - I know.

Since this morning: My sister Emily called and just said "OK" when I told her I wasn't coming. My step-sister Sarah texted asking if I was coming, and then said she was sorry I couldn't come and told me to have a good weekend. My mom texted, but had a bit more to say. She said "Are you still a prisoner?" Then when she found out I wasn't coming she said "It's just sad that your dad won't stick up for you and let you come". Then a couple hours later my grandmother called and said she didn't understand how a 22 year old could no be allowed to go where she wanted to or see her parents.

I feel like a 12 year old coward. Or a least that's what everyone else seems to be thinking of me. It's probably true. Every time growing up, when I tried to confront my mother, I just ended up getting nowhere and feeling worse off. I have no inner lion. It was caged just as soon as it was old enough to roar and now kittens sound more ferocious than me. It's hard to stand up for myself because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and at this point I just don't know how to period.